I’m currently sitting on my couch, crying. I’ve been texting with one of our employees, who we had to furlough shortly after Governor Holcomb’s closure of in-person dining for bars and restaurants in Indiana. A couple weeks ago, I let her and a few other key employees know that we would be able to bring them back because we were approved for the Payment Protection Program. But as time passed, the funds didn’t come, and when they finally did, it was less than we were approved for. Since finding out about the fund reduction, I've been kicking myself for mentioning anything about returning to work in the first place. Why did I make promises to people about their livelihoods before all of the details had been clarified? Why, as a business owner, was I regularly frustrated with my previous self for saying too much, promising too much, being too transparent, when it consistently meant I had to come back and say, “Well, actually, things have changed and that’s not really the case any more.” In one of these hard conversations over the years, I told the person that I have a problem of falling in love with people when I talk to them and I want to give them everything in that moment, and instead of thinking it, I say it out loud. It’s a bad trait for a business owner, and a person. When would I learn?
I finally worked through the self loathing and started to break the news to each person that we actually wouldn’t be bringing them back as soon as we hoped. We had to keep our production staff working, and that plus staffing our bar for limited carryout hours would exhaust the PPP funds. Without a date for reopening on the table, it felt foolhardy to spend more than absolutely necessary right now. She let me know that she’d just gotten her first unemployment check and that she and her family would be fine. And then she thanked me for all the hard work I was putting into trying to do the best thing for our employees and to make sure we’d be there with a good job and steady pay on the other side of the COVID-19 pandemic. That’s when I started crying. She couldn’t know what a relief that was, to know that she could see I cared, even though I was delivering bad news.
As a business owner, I’ve really struggled with decisions that mean choosing between profits and people. I want everyone to make a truly liveable wage, even in an industry where that isn’t the norm. I want to give people raises who work hard and have been loyal to us. I want our employees to get to do work that is meaningful and exciting, even if it isn’t exactly what they were hired to do. But it’s really hard to do that when your company still isn’t making enough of a profit to upgrade needed equipment, for example. It’s really hard to do that when you yourself haven’t taken a salary in 5 years. The most stressful moments of owning a business can all be tied to moments like this. I want to be seen as a competent leader who knows how to navigate the realities of starting a business and who is caring and generous with our employees, but sometimes it is truly the wrong decision if we want to keep operating.
The COVID-19 pandemic has really brought these kinds of decisions to the fore, with an added layer of uncertainty about the future that is unprecedented and fully out of our control. When the noise about COVID-19 started to pick up in early March, I felt like I was making life-altering decisions on behalf of our employees every day. In early March, before mandated shutdowns were announced, I read articles chastising people for going out to bars. They blamed the people, yes, but they also blamed the bar owners for not shutting down. I have a Master’s in Public Health and a concentration in Epidemiology. I actually know more than the average person about the spread and mitigation of diseases. From that perspective, the answer was clear. But as a business owner, it was murky. Should we shut down? Should we reduce our hours? Is it fair to ask an employee to deal with the public, even if I wouldn’t be comfortable doing so myself? Is it fair to tell someone we’re prematurely closing and effectively fire them, even though other bars and restaurants in our city are staying open until the bitter end? They have kids, and bills, and they want to keep working. How do I, a measly person who opened a small business a few years ago, have this kind of power over someone else’s life?
So far, all of our staff understands that the circumstances we’re under aren’t normal; of course we wouldn’t have chosen to have a pandemic just as our business was starting to really take off and make some important strides. They’ve been kind and understanding about how complex and difficult these choices are, and graceful when we’ve had to give them bad news. I wouldn’t wish this situation on others, but the silver lining, at least for me in the present moment, is a renewed gratitude for our team, our customers, and our friends who have been so kind even in the midst of their own stresses.
This wasn’t really the COVID-19 blog I set out to write, and I hope to do another one that’s a little more objective and business-focused, but this is the blog that came out of me today. Thanks to everyone who has supported us over the last 6 weeks, especially our employees who keep showing up to work and have thanked me for a continuing paycheck, and those who have stayed away and reassured me that they will be happy to return once we are ready. It has been one of the few things keeping me from losing it and I can’t be more grateful, no matter what the future holds.
